I believe that genetics play a large role when it comes to me and my battle with weight. I was born into a large family. Most everyone in my family has weight issues. Some have successfully lost weight and battle daily to keep it off, others have had stomach stapling, bariatric surgery that has destroyed their bodies and others have tried almost every fad diet there is out there to only gain their weight back.. and then some.

Even though I was very active, not eating my more than a child my own age, I was chubby through my entire childhood. I was the blunt of many jokes from the children at school and aside from peer pressure, doctor visits always brought with them more stresses upon my already stressed out state. Our family doctor always looked down his nose at me, as though I was a glutton, pigging out on candy and junk foods, when in fact, those things were not permitted in our house.

So, at the age of 9 and tagged as *obese* at a weight of 85 lbs, with the doctors orders of 1 hard boiled egg and 1/2 a grapefruit 3 times a day, my diet dilemmas began. I ate no breads, no potatoes, no meat, no vegetables, no sugars and drank no milk. Eating only 1 boiled egg and 1/2 a grapefruit for breakfast, lunch and dinner had me feeling very deprived, very segregated from my friends and family.

My belly growled steadily and the excess acid from the grapefruit caused daily stomach upsets, vomiting and scalding rash-like conditions around my vagina when I urinated. I began to avoid the toilet because it would burn so badly when I urinated. I couldn't sleep at night because I was hungry and began to hate myself for being *obese* and having to be on that dreaded diet.

The amazing thing was, when going to the doctors for my monthly checkup, despite all my suffering, I had lost no weight and was chastized for cheating, stealing snacks in between meals, which was something that I never did, for I was carefully monitored. Thankfully, when the high acid diet started to tinge my urine with blood and I was in tears just attempting to urinate, my mother took me off of that dreaded diet and said, "never again!"

But, that didn't meant that my attempts at weight loss ended. I have tried them all. Richard Simmons, T Factor, Doctor Atkins, Diet Center, Jane Fonda Workout six times in a row, you name it, I've tried it. Yes, I did lose weight, but gained it back, tipping the scales more with each failed attempt, hating myself, envying those who are slender, never truly happy with who I am.

I have gone through life feeling lesser than, almost inhuman, dating men who thought that because I am fat that I am a desperate and easy lay, having people not want to walk or swim with me because of fear of being seen with me. A superficial society had branded me as a fat freak and I began to feel that's what I was one.

Then came the day that I will never forget… I had to go to my family doctor to have some papers filled out for a pension I am eligible for, due to being fully blind in one eye. I sat across from my doctor and he filled out the forms and lectured me about my weight problems.

I left downhearted, with my forms in hand and when I got back home and looked over the papers he filled out, he had written OBESITY in every single space there was on the paper, making not one note about my vision disability. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I vowed to never eat again. I vowed to get so thin that if I turned sideways, I'd simply disappear.

My new diet consisted of black coffee by the pot full, water on occasion, eat very little then purge it, Jane Fonda workout in the morning, afternoon and night, 1 box of exlax and 1 glass of epsom salts in hot water at bed time. The day I would go to get weighed, I would eat or drink nothing. I wanted to be as light as I could be. I could barely sleep at night, because of fear of my bowels relaxing too much and my having an accident.

My body was so dehydrated that it was a strain just to talk, but I was losing weight, by the gross! I dropped 120 pounds in less than a year by starving myself to death. Yes, I knew I was killing myself to get thin, but the way I thought of it was "At least they won't have to use a crane to carry my casket"

Then, a new doctor came into my life, a very skinny and tall doctor. While laying on his table, he proceeded to press around my abdomen and stepped back with a concerned look on his face. "What are you doing to yourself?" he asked me. I had dehydrated myself to the point that when he pressed his hand down onto my abdomen, his handprints stayed there. All I could think to say was, "I'm fighting obesity" and then I cried.

That doctor sat with me, talked with me like a friend and I couldn't believe my ears. Out of the mouth of a professional came words so foreign, beyond belief, "Why can't you just love and accept yourself for the beautiful person you are?" Those words changed me… made me feel human… made me cry again. And, he sat with me for as long as I needed and I promised him that I was going to change my ways and start eating again and to try to love myself for who I am.

Despite the fact that I eat and think healthy, my weight has come back onto this body and yes, so have the harsh remarks from society. But, I am trying to love and accept myself and I always try to remember those kind words from a doctor who took the time to care.

~Bobbie~